I never gave post-pardum a second thought. I had been through a lot already in my life and I was always able to come through with my head held high and keeping very strong. No way would I be effected by this!
Once we got home we had to introduce the animals to the new addition. We weren't exactly sure how they were going to take to the baby as they had always been the center of attention and the babies of the house. However, it went very well. We had Farrell go in first and great them and calm them down, then the baby and I came in. We put the carrier on the floor and the dogs sniffed him and got very excited. Roxy, immediately became protective of Declan, as if he were her own. We of course have had to break her a little of this because it got to the point where she wouldn't let anyone but Farrell and I close to him without getting mad. Ebony, he was fine with anyone who would snuggle with him.
My husband promised to stay home with me the first week to help me out. It was so great having him because I was so exhausted and pretty sore not to mention that my feet swelled up like balloons. He helped me out so much. He made me breakfast every morning...which even continued for probably the first two months. He would make sure I ate very well with a fresh bowel of chopped fruit every week to snack on and not to mention the gourmet dinners he made me as well. He of course used the excuse that he wanted me to eat well because I was nourishing our son...although, I know he wanted me to get back on my feet quickly too. ;)
Once he returned back to work, is when my baby blues really started coming on strong. I really struggled with breast feeding. (Hope this isn't T.M.I.) My nipples got really tender (something I was never warned about) to the point they were cracked and bleeding. I couldn't handle the baby feeding from me without being in tears by the time he latched on. I decided to start pumping, however that was very difficult with a baby who is eating every 2-3 hours. I was pumping or feeding him all day long, which is very draining. I really felt like I was getting no quality time with my child not to mention that my milk supply was dwindling off. I finally went to see a lactation specialist. They put me on vitamins and gave me a nipple guard. I was back to breast feeding! However, my milk supply was not increasing at all. I finally came to the conclusion that it wasn't for me which made me feel like a failure. I read so many things about how breast feeding was the best thing for your baby and I only wanted the best for him and I already wasn't able to provide the best thing for him. Was this the way it was always going to be, was I failing as a Mom already? Not only this, but was I going to loose the bonding experience with my son because I was no longer able to breast feed him? I was very upset about this however, I swallowed my feelings and started formula. I had decided though that I wanted to be the only one to feed him still...maybe this way I would be able to keep that bond with my baby.
Everyone tells you about the lack of sleep...but you don't really understand until you actually experience it. At night, he would get up every two to three hours SCREAMING to eat. My husband snored right through it! Therefore, I would have to be the one to get up and make a bottle and feed the baby and change him. After a couple times of up and down, it's hard to fall back asleep and by the time you do....it's time to get up again. Then of course I wanted to be SUPER MOM and I couldn't nap during the day, I had to keep the house clean, the clothes clean, the grocery shopping done. Not to mention, my husband has a lot on his plate with owning his own business. I have always tried to lessen the load for him, by taking some of the things off his plate, if I'm at home all day, I would defiantly have time to still help him work, so I was also trying to work from home. This really takes a toll on you, no matter how young and energetic you may be. Being a SAHM, IS a full time job!
I have always been mostly always on the run. I keep myself busy, I was always around people, at work then I would hang out with my friends, we would have people over on the weekends too. However, I had decided to be a stay at home mom, so all of that was taken away. Staying at home all day, every day, great concept...however, it becomes very lonely. I am not one who likes to be alone...EVER so to not be around people all day, was very dificult for me. I then started to avoid everyone...I felt like I had become this extremely boring person. I had nothing to say anymore, I didn't know about anything going on. Of course when you push people away for so long, most of them stop trying and then there are the others who claim they care so much who never try at all. I am so thankful for those few people who kept twisting my arm and MAKING me do things and MADE me talk to them...even if they did have to do all the talking.
One night, it all hit me. I remember crying my eyes out and telling Farrell I didn't know what was wrong with me, I had everything I had ever dreamt of....I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, a fun step-daughter, a perfect baby who I was able to stay at home and watch grow, every day...however, I had never been so sad in my life. I was not cut out to be a Mom, I wasn't any good at it, our baby deserved so much better then me! We decided, it was time for me to see the doctor.
I was diagnosed with severe post-pardum, was put on medicine and was told to go see a counselor. Something I learned was, I was suffering from post-pardum even before I gave birth, which is common, however, I was so embaressed! I didn't want people thinking I was crazy, that there was something wrong with me. How did this happen to me of all people? I defiantly didn't want to tell people and them start saying "poor Ali" or treating me differently, I don't like pitty! Therefore, I was not going to tell anyone about it.
I am finally feeling more and more like myself daily and know now that this happens to a lot of women and it doesn't make me any less of a mother. If anything, it makes me a better mother for seeking help when I needed it. Although, I still have days that I'm a little down, I'm really trying to find things to get me around people more and out of my funk. I am pretty shy around a whole new group of people, especially with me not knowing, ANY ONE...but I have been taking a deep breath and doing it. I'm not sharing this with anyone to get pitty because that is not what I want at all...I hope that maybe someone will read this and not feel as alone and ashamed as I did. I'm really trying to get better though, so I can be the best I can for my baby boy and my spectacular husband because they only deserve the best!
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